The Back-to-School Transition Hits Different This Year

Sep 23

5 min read

Every fall for years, I have helped students transition to their new academic setting. Some are heading into ninth grade for the first time, and others are just beginning their first semester of college. I know this transition well. I have coached through it, planned for it, and talked with hundreds of nervous students and their families.

This year has been different for me. My youngest just started university. This year I am both the coach and the anxious mom, and it has given me a firsthand look at what the college transition really feels like from the parent's side.

All my years of experience did not make it feel any easier watching my own deal with stressful decisions, emails and encounters. Knowing how to execute everything on her massive to-do list didn't help much when tension was high.

Starting high school or college is one of the most stressful transitions a family goes through, and that stress belongs to both the student and the parent. One of the things I realized and dealt with up close and in reality, is how great the burden is when starting off in college and university. I know it and I teach it but this year I really felt it. There are institutional things a student needs to do and there are academic things that they need to do. No one points out how to do it. No one holds your hand. Sometimes you can wade through a maze of emails and links till you get the person or information you need. Of course this is the point. We want them to grow up and learn to navigate new systems, advocate for themselves and figure things out but does it all need to fall out in week one?

So, whether you are the one starting school or the one watching someone you love start school, here is what I want you to know. This is the advice I give as a coach and the advice I am living as a mom right now.

1. Everyone is nervous, even the teachers

Beginnings are hard for everyone in the room. The professor teaching their first class of the semester is nervous too. The kid who seems so confident in the hallway is nervous too. This is what beginnings feel like. Give it time, and you will settle into a routine. You always do.

2. You have two to-do lists, not one

When school starts, two separate lists run at the same time, and both need your attention. The first is institutional. Getting your books, contacting your professors, setting up accommodations, getting your wifi and login access sorted. The second is academic. Reviewing class material, building your schedule, actually doing your readings.

It is so easy to get pulled entirely into one list and forget the other exists, especially in those first couple of weeks. Try to give both lists real attention from day one.

This is where the little things can throw you off before you even get to start your actual work. My daughter bought all her textbooks online, and one access code would not work. She couldn't access the material for that course until it got sorted. In high school, an adult handed you your books, and that was that. Now you have to figure it out. Is it the bookstore, the publisher, or the professor? Nobody tells you; you just have to problem-solve it yourself, and that alone can feel scary and new even before the coursework begins.

3. Set up folders in your email

You are about to get a flood of emails, and a lot of them will fall into predictable categories. Accommodations, the testing centre, the bookstore, your program coordinator. Set up folders now so you can find what you need later instead of scrolling through a wall of unread messages trying to remember which email had the deadline in it.

4. Try to meet people, but do not worry about finding your friends yet

You are going to meet a huge number of people in these first few weeks. You'll genuinely like some of them. Some will become real friends. Some will be great for a study group and nothing more. Some will fade out and mean nothing to you by October.

Do not try to sort everyone into a category right away. Give it until at least week four before you decide who your people are. It takes time to figure that out, and that is completely normal.

5. Big feelings are normal, for both of you

Starting high school or college is scary. It is also scary to be the parent watching your kid do it. Both feelings are valid, and neither means something has gone wrong.

Keep the lines of communication open. Stay on top of the two lists. And trust that this stretch, as hard as it feels right now, will eventually fade into a memory of a time you both got through together.

6. Preparation begins in high school

I've always believed that kids need to be given lots of opportunities to advocate, send their own emails, navigate and travel during high school. High school is a great time to give our kids lots of opportunities to flex those wings and start to adult. Practice gets them ready. Safe opportunities to really learn how to be independent makes a smoother transition.

Even when all factors and variables are in place it's still a challenge to feel ready. There is so much to do and learn. The good news is that patience goes a long way. Pretty soon they figure it out. That's when we start to wonder if they still need us and that's the biggest challenge in parenting.

A couple of questions parents often ask me

How long does it usually take for a student to feel settled?

Most students start to find their footing around the four- to six-week mark. That is usually when the schedule feels less overwhelming, and people start to form real friendships and study groups.

Should I step in if my child is struggling with something like a professor or an accommodation request in the first few weeks?

Give them a chance to try it themselves first, even if it feels hard to watch. Offer to help them figure out who to contact or how to word an email but let them send it. That early practice is what builds the confidence they need for the rest of the year.

This matters even more once your child has moved on to college or university. At that point, they are considered an adult within the system. Professors, the registrar, and financial aid will speak to them directly, not to you, and in most cases they are not even permitted to discuss your child's information with you at all. So as hard as it is, this really is the moment to let them shoulder it themselves.

It really is a delicate balance. You want to help, but you also need to let them develop the skills. I try to act as a consultant rather than someone who takes over. Teach them how to do it, don't do it for them, and don't simply tell them what to do either. Not overstepping is one of the hardest parts of this transition, for both of us.

If your family is in the middle of this transition and you want some support navigating it, I would love to help. You can book a free 15-minute consult here: tidycal.com/3qld0wm/15-minute-consult or learn more about the College Success Program here: andreazians.com/registration.